TO YOUUUU

MY DEAREST, CAN YOU STOP MIXING UP ALL MY POSTS? ALL THE DATES AND POSTS WERE MESSED UP.

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看你煩的樣子，心疼。不知怎麼做才能讓你笑 ):

親愛的，希望你能快樂一點。。
我的心好重喔。。笑一個好不好？

希望你能快點找到方向。。不用為錢煩惱。。我知道你很多負擔。。也欠前女友錢。。我會想辦法找錢給你！！

看到你這樣我真的心很不舒服。。
但是，不管怎麼樣，我會永遠的站在你生變陪伴你，支持你！

Family, merely bonded by blood. That's all.

What's right and what's wrong? We were both wrong.

Since long ago, when I was little, you guys were too busy. I was lonely.. Gradually, I'm used to not having y'all ard when I grew older. It's really... Sickening.. You guys didn't have any time for me back then, then when y'all get a little bit of time, it's just lectures. What to do and not to do. Every single time. Can't go out with friends, can't talk on the phone. This and that. Then I'm supposed to be locked at home right after school, and holidays.

When I started to lie, and then it became a habit... If y'all found out, won't y'all be upset and disappointed? But you guys made things like that... Just when I'm used to not having y'all ard, I was told to sit still and then it starts to repeat things in the past. Whose fault was it?

Business is one thing. Family is another.. Does it mean you have business, you can neglect me? Brothers, too. Have their own fun during their younger days, and similarly, threw me aside.. Now that y'all are over with that, y'all wanna tie me down. What right do y'all have when you all always neglect me and leave me all alone. And when I'm
Used to it, I just wanna get some air outside, y'all tie me down.

Don't expect me to be close to y'all, or share things with y'all when you guys never really spend time with your sister. Cos I don't feel a tad bit close to y'all. You guys only order and make me do this and that, without really understand me or talk to me. Never ever really try to understand my feelings and just do what you think it's right. That's not how things works.

Whether I'm right or wrong, you guys should learn to listen and understand before telling me what to do. Think of a a way to speak, not order me.

Siblings that are equivalent to strangers.

I hate vacation.. Wake up, in the bed, & spend the rest of the day in bed. Then fall asleep, and my routine will go on being like this. Zzz
And the worst thing, I can't find a job.

我竟然而然让我最爱的人哭。

Is this really how it supposed to work? If either party made a mistake, are you supposed to punish them?

Can anyone tell me what is the definition of a healthy relationship?

Changes, is it supposed to be taught by someone, or taught by situations?

Do you accept the person you knew from the beginning and let them change through process and nature or do you groom them to become better so they know how to deal with society?

Society or is the person who walks the journey with you?

What's the answer? Or is there any answer?

I don't know if we have change, or was the environment changing us.

Some times, I wonder why can't he talk to me nicely. Why can I ask things if it concerns me. After all, I'm your "wife" right? Even if you don't know how to explain, or anything, just say it... not.. "Shut up, Shut up, Shut up"... it's rude..

Just follow as you say.. yes, I will, but why can't I know what's going on? It made me feel like your daughter instead some times.. I know I may be a kid to you now.. but why can't at the least, listen to what I have to say some times? Like regarding my card issues.. I know you're helping me.. I know.. and I'm very happy and thankful for you helping me to get my things settled.. But why won't you listen to me, when I said I've already did what the banker told you exactly? Why won't you believe me? I just feel.. really low about myself. Like.. am I that useless.. or ignorant..? Like there's nothing, not a single thing that is worth listening? Like I'm just a kid, and it stays at there? What do you really like about me?

Some times.. I feel like its better to just keep my shut throughout. Cos I feel my comments aren't necessary at all.. Like really.. I feel like your daughter instead, some times. Sweet nothings aside, the way we talk.. it doesnt feels like couples some times.. feels more like a Dad and Daughter.

Me; you

I'm like this because I'm too afraid to trust females that I never recognize as some one I know, and afraid my love one would run away some day, even though I'm sure he won't.

It's bad, but my past created me. I don't and never will give any friend a 101% trust too cos you'll never know what they can do to you.


And I'm afraid that I'll be abandoned by him for some one else. that's why I became like this. He showed and alrdy proved that he won't, but some times.... 人说变就变... Because I've been cheated way too much by sweet nothings..

I know it's wrong for me to be feeling this way. It's unfair to him. I guess I need to be more confident with myself..

Just saying.

人就是这样- 拥有了一个，还是不会满主的。就是那么自私，贪心。

女人的心是自私的； 男人的眼睛是贪心的。

Well ................

How do I like something I hate. Something that disgust me, something that i feel is disrespecting me. How do i learn to like it. Just wondering.

I should have went home when you told me to. I wouldn't have to see it. And at Safra, we're gonna do our own things, you play game, I'll go Kbox and sing. We have nothing in common where by we can have fun and enjoy just by ourselves. It's just a little sad.
I'm just.. A little envious of couples who can totally enjoy alone themselves, but we don't seem to be able to. Just.... A little envious...

Maybe soon, he'll be bored of me. Cos he seems bored some times, we seems bored. We talked about doing this and that. Cycling, rollerblading, or anything but we never really have the time for it. Time to create memories. But we did have a short getaway to
Batam, Which I'm thankful and happy. But it's sad, but we don't have a choice. We don't have the time to create memories. Time is unfortunately equivalent to money.
But it's sadder when we can't enjoy or have fun, with us being together alone. We can't spice it up alone. What should I do?

We don't even have the entire day and time by ourselves once. Even if there is, it always get interrupted some how.

Maybe cos we have nth to do together. It gets quiet when we go out. Despite the fact that we already hardly go out. Why?

Am at that stage.

To be the only person your love one ever ever look at...

Is either I'm not up to his standards or he just can't stop looking.

This is the first time I'm encountering this.

Which girl on earth likes it. It will cause every girl to lose confidence in themselves.

Yeah, guys are visual animals. Sex and love don't go together for a guy. But girls only agreed because they love you. Not for pleasure alone.

I still love you for everything you had done for us.

I feel useless some times. In capable of doing anything right. I got neither the money nor the brains. & I feel really lousy about myself...

It doesn't feel right anymore. I don't know what to do, and I feel like breaking down some times. Everything's drifting, everything's turning cold.

It hurts a lot when I'm hanged clueless some times. I see how others worked theirs out. They're so happy with one another, always smiling, laughing. They could talk about anything and everything. But why does my relationship feels like I'm being dominated some times?

I never hide anything from you.. Or do anything behind your back.. But are you suspecting me. It hurts being ignored.. It shouldnt be like this..? Why can't we ever sort things out nicely..?

Even if both sounded rude when we quarrel.. Why can't you not speak like a hooligan.. I'm your girlfriend.. Not your enemy.

I tried not to add in to your stress.. But why.. Did you have to treat me cold, hang up my calls.. And I got no right to be mad at anything or voice out what i feel.

Am I being dominated again

Some times I really wonder if you love me now. Am I gonna end up as one of your flings?

The way you speak to me has changed, your little actions and such. It seems like it has became a task instead of really "care and concern" - simple stuffs like JUST sending me down... to make sure I'm safe and stuff. I just wanna see your effort. Yes, you're working hard at work for us.....but simple things like this.. it doesn't take away anything from you.. I don't know.. how can someone even get lazy to send the one the love down? If it's friends instead.. I can understand.. But..?

The way you speak....... Has changed... You never used to talk to me like this... Many times you used that hooligan way of speech to talk.. Even when I asked you how much you spent on Lotto... You knew what I was asking, yet you keep changing it. I was only concerned about your cash flow, yet you could reply me in this kind of manner.. Seriously..? I nag.. I do. You nag at me too isn't it? But I never talk like the way you did. I even listen to them. Do you? Haven't you realised MOST of the times when you ask me do things, I do it immediately? It's only till recently.. I'm starting to think it's a little too much.. and simple things I asked you to help, you wouldn't.

You irritated me. And went overboard. I was supposed to even apologise when you started the entire thing for like these days? Just cos I accidentally hit your face? I don't get it.. really.. and then I was told to just go home.. I bet you just went to sleep.....


what has this becoming to?

the worse thing is - we don't seemed to have anything to really talk about anymore.. calls and messages were getting shorter and shorter...... & when I share my stuff when I'm angered or irritated..the way you reply makes it feel like..replying for the sake of it..Maybe it isn't that way.. but it feels like that...

Are you by any chance, losing interest already? Or climbing over my head already? How much do you really love me? Some times I really wonder if your love is as much as you mentioned.. Cos really basic things.. You already dislike doing it.

I wasted my entire weekend sleeping. Though I did manage to complete my work, but during the times when I'm really free, I just slept all the way =.= how....wasteful. zzz.

& during the weekends,  the only thing that was the most "happening" event was that I went for a dinner with my family. It was what they call "Ren Ri" - and at the same time, celebrated my eldest brother's birthday.   - and that was the only exciting part of the weekends.

Well, I guess boring weekends are good. Least I won't really think about food (and I could loose some weight) though I'll be wasting my life away. I've lost 2kg. 46kg now. 3 more kgs to go back to my original weight. KEEP WASTING TIME AWAY SLEEPING YEAH. 

sigh

It hurts badly, but maybe.. You should think again...

Where's the time-machine?

23 Jan 2:59am

Entry for 22 Jan, Lunar New Year.

In the morning before every other program started, my family and my 2nd uncle with Morris paid a visit to my Granny's grave. Every fell apart ever since my Granny passed on. It's really sad, and I guess I don't have much comment about it for now. But yknw, I do love her. I used to despise her, but I can't forget how much pain I was in when she passed on.

Anyhoos, lets not talk about the sad stuff. I went to Baby's house for reunion dinner together with his Mom, Sister, Grandparents and Uncle. And of course, it reminded how much happening my family was during every reunion dinner when my Granny was still around. And everyone was really happy, laughing and playing around. Till the very last final reunion dinner we had. It was a teary Reunion Dinner.

You know, I love Reunion Dinners. Though a small amount of us gather the previous day at my house for the early dinner. But something was missing.

Anyway, It was really nice of my (future) mother-in-law. She remembered the scallop like thing I like, and got it for the dinner! I'm very lucky to have met her and have her as my (future) mother-in-law. Hehehe. Seriously I really think I need to hurry get a job and repay back her kindness! She has treated me really well and I'm really thankful for everything she has done for me.

If only I could have met Baby earlier.. I could have brought him back for dinner... ):


Kay, so the day ended him in one of Baby's friend's house. Everyone went there to wish to win some cash during this festive season. I wouldn't say it's bad. Some did well, some wasn't so good.. You lai You qu la. heh.

k. done. bye.


My entries are getting more and more awkward.. Probably cos I haven't been blogging that recent unlike the past, where I used to blog everyday.. hmm.......HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE.

This is the 2nd night, my dad didn't sleep at home. I could understand the pain and how vexing he felt. It's really sad trying to hard to earn a living, getting the entire family together all by himself..

What is a family? Why did my relatives from my Dad's side are so selfish? All the could care about is themselves. They have money, they have no illness, and have so much more free time compared to my parents, yet they are always pushing everything to my Dad, saying things like they have no time "they need to go for a jog". What the fuck is this. Their own mother (my grandmother) death anniversary, they can't even make an effort to visit. Yet it seems like we're the only family that's always there. I feel really mad about this. How much effort my dad puts in, despite his illness, yet none of them appreciates. Their never thankful and grateful for all the things my Dad did. EVERYONE in that family is heartless. All they care is about themselves. How self-centered?

Whereas my Mum's side, they are totally the opposite of my Dad's side. What ever may happen, that family will always stick together and help one another. As for my Dad's side, once the main character in that family is gone (My grandmother), the family bond broke.

Sigh, how I wished things will all turn out good for my Dad, and he won't have to be like this anymore.

17 JANUARY TUESDAY.

Today, I went out with my dearest. IT'S OUR SHOPPING DAY. I kinda cheated him to Wisma just to have the beef noodle there, and before starting our shopping spree, we went to visit his "boss". The day was long, and the worst thing was that I was caught with a flu. There's nothing else I can blame but his room, honestly >:3

Had spent the longest time shopping for the first time with a boy and the best thing is with the one I love ^^ I really enjoyed myself, but the only thing that's bothering me was that the money won't stop flowing out. SIGH. I FEEL EXTREMELY BAD. I wish I've got money. And he didn't have to pay for anything. I wish I could do something for him, I WANT TO DO SOMETHING FOR HIM. Sigh, I feel so useless as a girlfriend.

& Unfortunately, he had hurt his back, because of me. (I don't have any memory of it) but he said I kinda hurt him while we were sleeping. And he was aching very badly. Hope he gets well soon.

BABY, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAD DONE FOR ME, I TRULY APPRECIATE IT.


I wanna do something for you too.

A fortune teller told me not to think, because it will be all over soon. How true can that be? A lot has been on my mind for the past few weeks. I guess I'm pretty messed up, thinking about everything altogether. Family, relationship, friendship, school, personal finance and myself. I feel like I'm a failure in all aspects. Then as much as I wanted to avoid thinking or to even just smile a bit, I made a wrong move without knowing it. How low can I be.

Even though the thought of skipping class did flashed across my mind for a second, I will not do as my brain says. Every time I started thinking, this happens. I can't let my thoughts take over control of my responsibility as a student.. Every single thing seems drifting apart right now.. and I really am feeling stressed up. But I can't speak. I won't talk to anyone, neither am I able to speak. Cos I do not know who to talk to anymore.

All I had in mind that kept me sane was to keep reminding myself that I need to dissolve all these within me, and do not fall into a depression like I did many many years ago. I need to dissolve, not bottle it up. DISSOLVE IT.

I'm too clingy, & I rely too much on him. I'm too selfish. I wish he could be there every single time, even when I'm with my own friends, having fun, I wish he could be around and feels the same. I'm too selfish. I wish we could work and act as one, but I'm probably asking too much.


someone like me shouldn't even exist. I'm worse than the worst.